Maxine

My mom sent this to me. It's sooo me! I was cracking up! 

The End of Maxine"       As we progress into 2014, I want to thank you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery. I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel. I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed. I have trouble shaking handswith someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose. Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years. I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet. I must send my special thanksfor the email about rat poo  in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. ALSO,now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. I can't have a drink in a barbecause I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone. I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers. I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. Because of your concern,I no longer drink Coca Cola because  it can remove toilet stains. I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car,    so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up. I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes  seven different types of cancer. And thanks for letting me knowI can't boil a cup of water  in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life. I no longer go to the cinemabecause I could be pricked with a  needle infected with AIDS when I sit down. I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug  me with a perfume sample and rob me..    I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask  me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .. Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.   And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a  dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over. I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.   If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land  on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you  to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it  actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s  ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's  beautician!   Oh, and by the way...   A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study,  has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity  read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.   Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.   P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because  I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet..    NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY…